Hi anyone that reads this. Welcome to my world. I am a 33 year old from England and I have decided to keep a life diary for me to see as the world goes by. I am currently married and I have three children however my marriage is looking somewhat on the shaky side at the moment. I wanted to create this for me to understand what is going to happen to me in the coming months and years. I would love people to comment and add information as it goes along so feel free.
Today I am going to set the scene and position where I am in my life. I have been married for 5 years and been with my wife for 10. She is a lovely person who cares a great deal about a lot of things and is an exceptionally passionate person. My marriage has basically hit problems because we have neglected each other over the years. Now we are at the stage where things are pretty bad. Deep down in my heart I still love her more than anything else in the world but I wanted to see how my feelings change and how my life moves over the next few months. I also have three adorable children who anyone would love.
Over the past two months there have been many problems between us which has culminated in the breakdown we have today. The factors include but are not explicity restricted to an affair (not by me), some things that I do that my wife does not like about me, in fact she hates me for them and she doesn't know how to live with them. I kept them secret from her for nearly 10 years. (On a dry day I will go into them) Although she had seen it on one occasion near the start of our relationship.
January 1st is the day for new beginnings and hence why this starts today. It begins the rebuilding of my live which is going to be tough and i still don't know if it will be on my own or with her or with someone else. I have had issues relating to people all through my life. I was bullied a lot at school and during my first few years of work and have changed job every couple of years for my entire career. My wife told me the other day that when I was with her it was like i was hugging her because she wanted me to hug her or kiss her because she wanted me to. Not because I wanted to. I felt like this because if I did do anythng I would more often than not get told to get off. It has been really tough and has resulted in me being more and more distant from her physically. This was brought up as one of the reasons for the breakdown in our relationship.
Tonight I have just had a big argument with her. It was very short but very brutal. I am not a man to mince his words and this was no exception. I was being told I was a bad parent because I didn't hug and kiss and didn't like being touched by the children. I'll hold my hands up and say it is a bit odd, but I had good reason. If I wanted to play with them I felt I was being watched or if I was left alone with them she would think I was molesting them. She has a very bad opinion of men and with good reason but I couldn't go into see any of my kids alone. If they closed the door on the bedroom because they were being loud I would be told I wasn't allowed to play with them. This has over the years built up so i don't go near them because i don't want her to think bad of me. I would never do anything like that to the kids but as I say she has reasons for thinking like that. As a result I don't have a great relationship with my kids. When she goes out me and the kids get on fine. If she is there I get over-ruled on everything am always wrong and can't do anything that she likes. So I am now sat on my bed wandering what just transpired.
Today therefore goes down as a bad day. The worst thing of all is that I feel happy that I am going to work all day tomorrow because it means i don't have an uncomfortable day here. I feel really nervous and edgy in her company at the moment. I am off to talk to my friend Linda, who I caught up with after 12 years last week. She is an absolute star and I am delighted to have her back in life. I'll be back on tomorrow and see how i feel then.
